anti-introduction

        

 

         I don't know what I'm doing. But to be fair, I never really knew. I didn't plan ahead because I didn't see a reason to. I've been living in a state of impostor syndrome of the self. My life has felt like a free trial that was supposed to come to an end, yet there was a glitch in the system. A glitch that somehow subscribed me for life. Everytime I feel like it's about to run out--it keeps going. I have succumbed myself to life without planing ahead because of this. I've ironically accepted the unknown. I am okay with not knowing but I absolutely have to control the know. My future doesn't feel like it's well in my grasp. I have no time to think about the future. Because why think about the future when the present is ever so chaotic? I must stay on control of the now. Because time might knock on my 3rd floor apartment door at any moment and tell me my life subscription just ended. What if he tells me I failed? Or that I have to try again? I know time. We're not friends but I met him once. He was there before I came here. To this body. I might not know what I'm doing, but I know one very very important thing. This body is not mine. It's a tangible version of me so I can be here. It's what keeps me safe in this world yet it's the very thing that makes me feel like an impostor. It's a difficult feeling. I'm on a lease with this darned thing and I don't know how to get out of it. I'm trying to do my best while I'm here but I long to be with her again. The universe. She isn't ready for me though. I still don't know why she put me here, but I can't go back until I figure it out. And time. He won't tell me anything. Time will just watch me. Watch me try over and over and over and over and over to figure it out. Until finally, he does knock on my door. He takes me to her. She'll embrace me soft and warmly. She'll whisper in my ear in her embrace, "welcome home".